Ducks University of Fan Fiction
by The-Perfect-Elf
Summary: Mighy Duck Fan Fiction writters learn exactly how easy (or not) it is to write proper fanfiction. Mary sue mocking and pain will ensue. Based on Camilla Sandmans OFUM. A world of lusters. mini - ducks, a capital letter association and lots of homework.
1. Registration and the classic line

I have to thank Camilla Sandman for creating The Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth and for letting me create a Mighty ducks spin off of said story. This is a borrowed concept but Cam gave me permission 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*

Belle had been happily skating on the street dreaming (lusting what's the difference) of Adam Banks. She was currently at her house playing street hockey, with her mind occupied by the vision of Adam Banks instead of her older cousin approaching her. Unaware of her latest Mary sue fan fic was blinking wildly on her computer. 

Belle was quite satisfied playing hockey on foot. Not the perfect skater in the world she was content running around on her Nike shoes thinking they were skates. Belle didn't see the puck approaching her 'I luv Adam Banks' helmet at full speed that was until she was on the floor semi unconscious. 

"Belle." The voice screamed in her pounding head. "Are you okay?" Belle only blinked in her best Karp impression. She was now located in her bedroom the green and yellow ceiling screaming back at her as she tried to focus. 

"Fine." She stumbled as she tried to stand on her feet she took the Tylenol and drowned it down as she looked at her small little yellow duck. Yes she had even gotten a real life duck and named it Adam Banks. She had considered buying the whole lot of them and naming them after the ducks but she wasn't THAT obsessed. She waved them out of her room anxious to get back to her best work yet. Apparently the screen stopped blinking as she sat in front of it. Oh yes she smiled as she cracked her knuckles with a smile. 

__

Beltina fell into the strong arms of Luis Mendoza. "Oh woe is me my dear love" Luis swooned looking into her beautiful baby blue eyes. "What ails your fickle heart?" 

"Dear Lius." She swooned ever so perfectly. "I am in love with another man!" She threw her hand to her forehead as she yet again fell into the pair of strong arms. 

"No! Not another man!" Luis cried as he pulled up to him. "I love you and only I can love you!" 

"No." Beltina shook her head ever so sadly pain ever so present in reh eyes. "Adam Banks holds my haert in his hands." 

"Foolishness." Luis wailed turning away and running away. 

Belle's fingers typed happily as she smiled and what was this hold and behold she was wiping a tear from her face. Perfect she thought as she reread her work. Suddenly by the trick of an eye or as Belle would later explain it a wrong button pushed the screen began blinking in a rampage. The computer itself began to shake and fume in anger of being cursed with another Mary sue bad fic. 

Suddenly the computer's paroxysm stopped and produced a form on her computer. 

Dear Miss Cortino, 

You are cordially invited to join fellow fan writers in a prestigious University for Fan fiction. The Duck University of Fan Fiction (Which will be now referred to as DUFF) requests your presence at said facility. Please fill out the enrollment form below. Please read all Terms of services and Legal and liabilities before enrolling.

Name: Belle Banks

Age: 15

Sex: F 

Race: White 

Species: Human

Why do I write Mighty Ducks Fan Fic: Adam Banks!

JV or Varsity: JV rulz!

I play hockey ________ (Fill in the blank with an adjective ex: Good, bad, horrible) perfectly

I most fear: Coach Orion

I do/ don't play hockey: (Choose one) do

My lust object is: Adam Banks

Second lust object is: Adam Banks

My enemy is: Coach Riley and Coach Wilson

Things I most dislike about the ducks: Not enough Banks. 

Things I most like about the Ducks: Adam Banks

I dislike / love Mary Sues: love 

I have/ haven't written a Mary Sue: have 

DUFF and its associates are not responsible for any injuries, broken body parts or anything that is particularly cruel occurs to the student when said student is caught in glomping lust object actions or any other time. You are responsible for you're own actions.

Belle seemed to ignore the Terms of Services and Legal and Liabilities and the disclaimer that mentioned something about huge amounts of pain for glomping. She clicked enter and suddenly her computer turned an awful color that seemed to be a mix of bright orange and Purple. This awful color seemed to be pulling her into the computer itself and suddenly Belle found herself in a mist of teletubbies singing 'I'm to sexy' only to be dumped onto a hard cold object on her butt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

Guy Germaine blocked his eyes with his hands even though he had sunglasses Purange was still a blindly ugly color. He rubbed the head of a small brown duck beside him. "It has begun." He whispered as he watched the purange flash disappear and the girl fall on her butt. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

Charlie Conway sighed as he looked out the window. He himself had just finished his own semester at Eden Hall. He took in the sight because surely after Eden Hall's new addition it wouldn't be the same. He cracked a smile as he looked around. If he had been put through crap during his semester what was awaiting these fan girls would be torture. 

Yes Charlie Conway thought this as he observed the awfully quiet school grounds. He would surely put them through as much even more torture then he had. Fan girls were surely a great pincushion for repressed anger. He rubbed his hands together as he walked out into the corridor meeting up with an anxious Adam Banks. 

"Banks." Charlie spoke as he looked at the sweaty man. "Practice?" 

"No." Adam shook his head. "What if they like attack us?" 

"Adam we've been over this." Charlie smiled brightly as he looked at his best friend. "They won't even come this close to you man." 

"Fan girls, luster's, me." He only whimpered as he bit his nails. 

"Big nose, clumsy hair I don't really see what's so hot about him." Luis snapped as he joined the duo in the hall. 

"Shut up." Adam said, "I have a big nose?" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

PJ watched as the boy tapped away at the console. "How is it going?" She walked down the metal stairs. 

"Fine." Averman replied as he pushed his glasses to their correct position. "I was able to connect through the Fan Fiction operating system directly using the duck module and I believe we've contacted 99.9% of the Mighty Duck fan fiction continuum." 

"Did you remember to tell them about the protectors?" PJ asked with a sly smile. 

"I knew we forgot something." Averman cracked looking at Ken with a mischievous smile. Suddenly the control room was filled with laughter. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If you'd like to register at DUFF please fill out the form. Have fun with the form, be creative and don't take anything very seriously. It's all for fun purposes and I am currently in search of a Beta for this so if you'd like to help please do so.

Name: 

Age: 

Sex: 

Race: 

Species: 

Why do I write Mighty Ducks Fan Fic: 

JV or Varsity: 

I play hockey ________( Fill in the blank with an adjective ex: Good, bad, horrible) 

I most fear: 

I do/ don't play hockey: (Choose one) 

My lust object is: 

Second lust object is: 

My enemy is: 

Things I most dislike about the ducks: 

Things I most like about the Ducks: 

I have/haven't written slash:

I dislike / love Mary Sues: 

I have/ haven't written a Mary Sue: 

DUFF and its associates are not responsible for any injuries, broken body parts or anything that is particularly cruel to the student that occur from said student is caught in glomping lust object actions or any other time. You are responsible for you're own actions.


	2. Extreme Duck Hockey

Suddenly the rink was bursting with Purange splurges and the students could do nothing but cover their eyes in order not to go blind. Once Q, Averman whom worked at the registration and attendance office and well known Star Trek geek turned her into the form of Q, settled and saw whom was only meters away from her jumped up and screamed. Guy covered his ears, for he liked his hearing thank you very much, from the deafening screaming as the girl began to attack.  
  
"Guy! Guy Germaine is mine!" She screeched as she shot up ignoring the pain from the fall. Guy only smiled as he looked at his mini - duck. Q whom paid no attention to the small creature, after all everyone knew Ducks don't have teeth, continued on her quest only to find the small animal disliked very much to be ignored.  
  
"Ow." Q ever so whimpered as she tried to pull off the duck from her butt. "Get off me." But get off me to Gee the Mini only meant to bite harder and more repeatedly and then was joined by Guy's other protectors. Gee, Gyu and Germiane decided they wanted to play tag with Q on a large puck and who knew mini - ducks could breathe so fast.  
  
"Gee, Gyu and Germiane." Guy smiled as he looked at Q and patted his leg and they came running like a puppy dog to their namesake. "All right shall we all line up and head for the auditorium?" He smiled happily as Star and Charisma both helped Q to walk.  
  
As they made it to the auditorium they noticed that the only person that stood there was a short plump woman with a stick in her hand. She pushed her glasses back on the crook of her nose as she snorted at the lot of them. Belle felt sorry for Q but yet she knew that couldn't happen to her. As she was on this train of thoughts Adam Banks came shakily out behind the curtains followed by the rest of the staff.  
  
"ADAM BANKS!" Belle seemed to have lost it and charged like a bull towards the stage only to be glomped by . . . was that snapping letters that were attacking her?  
  
"Ah the capital letter association as let out their first born?" Adam laughed patting Abam whom was feeling rather down for not being able to protect his namesake. "Don't worry you'll get your chance soon." Adam soothed as the howlers were snapping at the culprit.  
  
"All right settle down." PJ said loudly over the intercom as students were getting rowdy at seeing their lust objects. "Take a seat or else." Students taking notice of the pain both students had endured sat down. "Welcome to Duff, Duck University of Fan Fiction." She coughed after saying this. "I hope you all have read your handbooks?" Suddenly Ken and Luis skated in with the books in hand.  
  
"Sorry." Luis said as he tried to stop but instead he tripped on a wire and the books went flying hitting random students in the head. Belle seemed to think this was no accident. "We had to make a few changes."  
  
"Right." Ken sniggered as he stopped in his perfect figure skater way making his luster's swoon and clap.  
  
"Anyway." PJ rolled her eyes. "Be sure to read them carefully so that you understand the rules." Everyone scattered trying to get a hand on a book. "To prevent or cause further injury." PJ remarked more to herself then to the students. "Hope you all have a great semester." She smiled mischievously before leaving.  
  
"Right." Charlie said taking his position. It almost looked as if that podium was constructed just for him or at least that was what his luster's dreamily thought as they let out a collective sigh. "Classes will start tomorrow at seven sharp. Rick will be handing out dorm room and locker combinations in the quad. Schedules will be posted in the dorm lounge. Please be sure to pick it up. That is all." Charlie waved them off with a flicker as he returned to the staff.  
  
"Lunch starts in a hour." Goldberg added that promptly before letting the students run amok on campus.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Does it hurt?" Star, who at the moment was in a bit of a confused state as Averman tried to determine exactly what Humas was supposed to look like.  
  
"A little." Q said as she rubbed her aching bones.  
  
"Anything broken?" Charisma asked eyes wide in excitement.  
  
"No." Q replied and Charisma, whom at the moment was in her human form, slumped down.  
  
"Isn't that like illegal or something?" Another student asked flipping through the handbook.  
  
"No." Jillian replied, "It's like in the disclaimer or something."  
  
"Do we get to play hockey?" Belle asked as she tried fighting off the last of the Capital letter's howler.  
  
"I don't know." Q replied honestly as they found themselves in line. Somehow they all fought the urge to repeat the little Averman / Goldberg sequence in the movie.  
  
"Ahh it's Adam's hair!" Charisma shouted as she covered herself with the plastic tray. Adam quirked his eyebrow as he looked at the students.  
  
"And his big nose that doesn't stop growing!" Star chuckled as the star player subconsciously rubbed his nose.  
  
"It's not that big!" They heard him muttering to himself along with broken phrases about huge amounts of pain and more pain for students as he stormed out of the room.  
  
"He does not have a big nose." Belle stormed up to Star looking ever so pompous and Percy Weaselyish. "Take that back." And thus commenced the first DUFF food fight. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"And she said I had a big nose." Adam complained to anyone who would listen which was currently Charlie Conway but only because he had to.  
  
"You know they are the one's supposed to be tortured not us!" Charlie mumbled as he rubbed his ear. Really he shouldn't have to put up with this torture that's what the students were here for.  
  
"Food fight." They heard Cole scream down the staff section hall.  
  
"Great." Charlie muttered as he shot up. "I bet Goldberg started it and over a pie mind you."  
  
"No in the dining hall." Rick informed striding up to them from behind. Charlie sniggered as he looked at the Varsity captain. "Something about big noses and fluffy hair."  
  
"I think PJ will approve of a JV - Varsity show down?"  
  
"Whatever for?" Rick asked confused.  
  
"Students, pucks, hockey sticks and back boards." Charlie responded as both captains broke out into laughter as Adam already was planning some new moves.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~  
  
Belle moaned as she rubbed her backside as she plopped down on her bed. Who would have thought an improvised game of hockey would hurt so much. Who in the world had invented hockey pucks so big that any normal teenage girl could sit, or more technically be strapped down to them, to be hit across the rink with nothing but back boards to stop them.  
  
She hadn't even known the Bash brothers had that much repressed anger in them to shoot her so far. Man now she knew how a puck felt under Fulton's slap shot. It wasn't fun and Belle began to despise hockey more then she despised Cole. Hockey definitely wasn't as fun as it was made out to be. It was no picture perfect sport that was always won at the end of the movie. It was easier watching it on the television then actually playing or in their case be played with. Especially ' extreme duck hockey' a thing Belle was sure that Averman or Guy had just given birth to the moment they had stepped on the ice.  
  
But at least tomorrow she had, Charlie: His evolution to D3. She really didn't understand why Charlie was getting a whole class subject to himself. Truth be told she really didn't care but Adam Banks was going to be teaching and where ever Adam was Belle was surely there and secretly pain was just around the corner waiting for her and her fellow alumni.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~  
  
Authors note: Please email all registration forms to theperfectelf@yahoo.com. Registration forms can be found in chapter 1. If you would please inform me through email of any misspelling of names of canon characters that you come upon in reading fan fic to add to the ever- growing breed of mini - ducks.  
  
Notes: Q is the Federation designation for an impudent, self-superior and sometimes-malevolent being from the otherwise mysterious Q Continuum 


	3. Harry Potter Invasion

Meme, Dana, Mya, and Mary were currently engrossed in an actively loud debate on the topic of Charlie's evolution. Charlie and Adam whom were observing the groups tried their best to stay a good 10 feet from any of their luster's. The class so far had been a success as their had been no attacks on either cannon character.  
  
"All right." Charlie suddenly cleared his throat as he smiled at them.  
  
"AWW!" A collective sigh was heard from Charlie lusters.  
  
"I'd like a twenty page report on how I did NOT turn into a whiny brat!" Adam sniggered at this comment revealing he had an opposing view on the matter.  
  
"But.." Meme called as the chorus of admiration turned to grumbles and dislike. "You were totally an ass . . ." But Meme couldn't finish her sentence as Cahrlie found a very nice play toy, which happened to be her foot. Adam snickered under his breath as Charlie growled disapprovingly.  
  
"You were saying?" Charlie smiled brightly as she kicked off the mini - duck.  
  
"Nothing." Meme grumbled along with a long line of expletives towards the captain duck under her breath.  
  
"Oh and this paper is due tomorrow." Belle then decided all Duck teachers were evil, more evil then real teachers. This wasn't going to be so much fun after all was it? She groaned as Adam yet again began to lecture them.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
PJ on the other hand had many other situations going on. If she wasn't already having a bad day realizing someone clogged up the staff toilet while she was using it a certain non-registered textbook suddenly invaded the university. How in the world had this happened? She growled confiscating said textbook from Chee as she was reading it as she progressed, tardy to add to the offense, to class. She didn't know which was worse the student's trying to get a good glomp of their luster or the fact that a majority of the school population was currently engrossed into the latest Harry Potter book instead of their studies.  
  
"Harry Potter." PJ hissed as she stuffed the heavy book into her bag. "Should have known." She shook her head as she stomped angrily through the halls to the faculty section. The only books students should be carrying are registered textbooks and then she wondered how a student managed to carry this book along with the massive weight of the actual textbooks.  
  
"Good Morning." Luis Mendoza called from the Teacher's lounge.  
  
"What are you doing Mendoza?" PJ raised an eyebrow as she looked at him suspiciously. Luis blushed innocently as he petted his mini - duck.  
  
"Nothing." He stammered like a kid who got caught with his hands in a cookie jar. "Just um preparing for my class."  
  
"Right." She gave him an odd look before progressing down the hall. She had more pressing matters to attend to at the moment. "AVERMAN, WU, TYLER!" PJ howled into the game room. Suddenly the three characters charged into the hall.  
  
"Yes mam?" Averman asked with a smile.  
  
"I have a crucial task for you!" She produced the textbook and shoved it in his chest. "Confiscate every copy in this school and find out who smuggled such a foul thing into this school."  
  
"Maybe we should try and invest in this magic business?" Ken suggested as he looked at his colleagues. "Just imagine how much pain we can induce on our poor fan writers." The three boys snickered loudly down the hall.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Star and Q were currently in their rooms storing boxes into their closet. Q whom took advantage of her Q status to transport out of the school on June 20th to pick up her pre ordered stock of the new Harry Potter book. Star and Q were conjointly making a big profit off the illicit item at the moment.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
PJ who was currently observing the crowded cafeteria room growled in protest. The whole student cafeteria was a plethora of Harry Potter's book. I'll see if they like that book so much when I'm done with them. She snickered silently as a group passed her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I really don't know which is worse." Connie discussed with Guy, Charlie and Julie. " The actual proclaimed Adam luster's themselves, or the AA or the TABCFS."  
  
"TABCFS? AA?" Julie curled a brow. "What is that?"  
  
" The Adam Banks Closet Fan Society and Adam's Anonymous." Charlie informed her with a smile. "But then there's the ABHSS"  
  
"Now what's that?"  
  
"Adam Banks Hater Secret Society." Julie retorted to Guy's question before taking a sip of her pop.  
  
"If it's secret how do you know about it?" Guy scratched his head puzzled.  
  
"Averman and Goldberg joined it." Charlie shrugged his shoulders as he poked at the fuzzy white stuff that was supposedly called mashed potatoes.  
  
"I may think they created it." Julie snickered as Adam Banks, Luis Mendoza and Cole walked in.  
  
"I hear they've started a movement on Adam's big nose." Charlie whispered eyeing Banks closely. "Banners and everything."  
  
"Whose in it?"  
  
"Don't know Averman and Goldberg won't tell." Charlie sighed as he pushed his plate away. Then suddenly there little break was disturbed with the school intercom.  
  
"Will all students and faculty report in the quad."  
  
"This ought to be fun." Guy laughed as he got up and followed the team outside.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Belle wondered why all of a sudden they were going to meet in the Quad. She was more perplexed to find that there stood the Dean and PJ with sly smiles. Whatever it was it wasn't anything good at least for the student's it wouldn't be any good.  
  
"It has come to my attention that student's have a dire need to discover what happens to Harry Potter more then they want to learn about how to write proper Mighty Duck Fan fiction." Dean Buckley said as he paced in front of the group of students. Russ, Ken and Averman stood behind them with a stack of confiscated books.  
  
"When we find the culprits of this illegal operation they will be punished. But since we can't find out the source of the distribution of the text. We believe it is only fair to punish all off you." With this Dean Buckley smiled wider as he stopped pacing. His hands clasped behind him he looked at the three boys.  
  
"Is the Harry Potter convention ready?" PJ asked the boys as they smiled brightly.  
  
"Oh is it ever." Ken snickered as he looked at the innocent students. "All right whose first?" And as if on cue everyone stepped back warily some even trying to make a mad dash back to their rooms only to run into the bash brothers, Cole and Riley whom had set up an advanced practice. Which involved lots of flying pucks and body slamming.  
  
Belle whimpered as she was being thrown against the wall that included a Harry Potter book downpour, using the hardback editions of course. Nothing at Duff ever came easy for a student that is. She cringed as she fell into the mud puddle at the bottom that had been infested with snapping turtles. But that was nothing to being target practice for Luis Mendoza as a pitcher. Belle practically crawled back to her dorm room muttering how she fucking didn't care what happened to Harry Potter in fact she muttered rather loudly how she hoped Harry Potter would get burned by a dragon.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
C -Chan: I got it and I put in people at random times. But you will surely make an appearance.  
  
Cake eater: Glad you liked it and yes you can use that as your official personal description. A duck has actually bitten you? Hmm lol.  
  
Meme: Formal complaint was received and thus you made your appearance even if it was for a short time. I fixed the 'you have to sign in to review' so you don't have to sign up unless you want to.  
  
Dana: I got it and you made your cameo. Where we still doing that co writing project we had discussed let me know.  
  
Mya Monroe: Thank you for registering and welcome to Duff. Hope you have a splendid time.  
  
Ashley: Thank you for registering and welcome to Duff. Hope you have a splendid time.  
  
Ballisticbubble: Thank you for registering and welcome to Duff. Hope you have a splendid time.  
  
Call-me-a-bitch?well-ur-a: Thank you for registering and welcome to Duff. Hope you have a splendid time.  
  
Webuiltthiscityonrockandroll: Thank you for registering and welcome to Duff. Hope you have a splendid time.  
  
Beckers love Portman: Thanks  
  
Author's note: I would like to know if anyone would want to be in aforementioned clubs. Tell me in the review if you have already sent in your application or by email. The clubs are as follows:  
  
AA: Adam's Anonymous  
  
TABCFS: The Adam Banks Closet Fan Society  
  
ABHSS: Adam Banks Haters Secret Society  
  
LMFU: Luis Mendoza Fans Unite  
  
KWS: Ken Wu Supporters  
  
JSNTMS: Just Say No To Mary Sues" 


	4. The Mary Sue Observatory

Belle moaned as she dragged out of bed. The purange curtains nearly blinding her as she dared to open her eyes. She groaned louder as the dorm room seemed to be filled with commotion and she wondered how she could have slept through such a commotion.  
  
Currently her roommates Dana and Ashley Huston were conversing loudly about who was Adam's number one fan. Belle wanted to throw the covers over herself but the Purange would make things worse. What had she done to deserve this kind of punishment? She just wanted to go back home and hide under her regular colored blankets.  
  
She finally managed to get onto her feet and out the door. Things couldn't get worse she mentally thought as she soothed her aching legs. Everything in her body hurt even places she couldn't have phantom to hurt as much as they did ached.  
  
Maybe she would conspire a plan to get them back. She conspired to get the staff back. Yes she would rally up a stampede; yes she would overcome the whole education system. She wouldn't have to listen to Goldberg or to the Riley's. She would run the place, she would be the head master, and she would be in charge. She would gather up the troops and they would over run the place. Then they would be able to write all the bad fiction they wanted. She laughed maniacally to herself. But during her epiphany something large, cold, and heavy fell from the sky. Something that reminded her how moronically stupid she was for thinking such thoughts.  
  
The capital letter association decided that Belle was a perfect human test dummy for their new project. Belle tried to scurry to find a hiding place from what seemed to be a capital bomb? The capital letters just kept swooping over her and exploding only to create mini - capital letter bombs who exploded until they shriveled up screaming loudly, "Capitals, learn how to use them." in her ear.  
  
She cursed the capital letter association loudly before entering her next class. Being a week into the semester Belle found it hard to concentrate on the lesson. Who ever listens to Kenny Wu anyway and along that train of thought who in the world is Peter Mark? He isn't even in the movie. She thought as she spotted a group collecting together in the corner. She just wanted to lust over Adam. Adam Banks number one hockey player, great hair, beautiful eyes, hot body, did she mention he was perfect. She sighed in awe before getting clobbered by Neko, the mini - duck.  
  
"Thank you for rejoining us." Ken cleared his throat glaring at her angrily. "As I was saying do you know the difference between hockey and Ice Skating Mrs. Cortino?"  
  
Belle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "No Kenny."  
  
"No Mister Wu." He corrected her and she nodded.  
  
"No Mister Wu." She repeated through clenched teeth.  
  
"Thank you." Ken then proceeded onto torture another student when suddenly there was a loud giggling sound outside.  
  
"What's that?" Peter raised his brow in suspicion.  
  
"Oh that." Ken sighed in pleasure. "That's becoming a Mary Sue." Belle was almost afraid to know what that meant. "I believe you all will find pleasure in that class." He snickered as a painfully sharp loud yell was heard.  
  
When she thought things couldn't get worse she knew things always got worse. That was the way of the world just when you thought it couldn't get any worse it always does. Belle currently stood in a small dark stuffy crammed auditorium observing some creatures in the middle.  
  
"This." Connie said disgustedly as she pointed out what seemed to be a large snow globe enclosing around what seemed to be an enclosed town. "Is the Mary Sue observatory." She continued as the students observed what seemed to be a flock of perfect specimens frolicking around the given habitat.  
  
"Do not press on the glass." Julie warned, as Thai seemed alarmingly close to the glass. "I warn you it's contagious." She warned as a look of disgust appeared on her face.  
  
"But how did you?" Meme asked as she watched the creatures below.  
  
"You all have created them." Connie instructed, "But Averman's herded them up for study. He's keeping a close watch on them. They actually fascinate him, he spends days and nights observing them, studying them."  
  
"Aww he wants to save them." Belle cried out giggling insanely.  
  
"Trying to find a way to kill them." Julie corrected with a smile. "You have made them so perfect there is bound to be a flaw."  
  
"But they're so beautiful, so smart and so perfect." Star said sarcastically as she glared at the wall.  
  
"Anyway he has allowed us to come and observe them in their natural habitat." Julie snickered as Connie pressed on the control pad and the small covering on the floor turned into a speaker system.  
  
Students twitched, covered their ears, and banged themselves against the walls as chorus' of perfectly untuned bits of "Hit me one more time" "My heart will go on" and "Genie in a bottle" screeched out.  
  
"No more!" Dana was heard yelling.  
  
"Kill the Sues! Kill the Sues!" Q and Star were screaming as Julie and Connie laughed.  
  
"I believe we are beginning to scratch the surface." Julie smiled as they left the Mary Sue observatory removing their earplugs.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Q and Star whom had been discovered in the act of re selling smuggled copies of the Harry Potter book was not so lucky as the others. Averman licked his lips as he rubbed his hands together looking down at the Mary Sue observatory.  
  
"You will need this." He smiled wickedly as he tapped on the console. Both students took the white suits that seemed to be the same as those yellow suits used when contaminated gases or poisons were going to be dealt with.  
  
"For what?" Q asked slipping on the suit over her clothes.  
  
"So you won't get contaminated by the sues." Averman said taking a seat in the rotating small chair that was hooked up to the main console.  
  
"So you have been in there?" Star questioned hopefully looking at the awful captivated town.  
  
"No, actually I only hope that keeps away the Sueitis." Averman retorted as he tapped some more. "Oh you might want sunglasses."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm going to see if repeated bursts of purange won't do the trick. I've wanted to in field study before but I can't take that risk. But since you've so politely volunteered" With this he snickered happily, "You can do the job for me."  
  
"But . . . but . . ." Q muttered as Ken opened a glass door.  
  
"Good luck in there." Russ patted her on the back. "Remember to take in every detail. How they react to the purange, how they scream or if they don't."  
  
"But . . . but . . ." But before neither girls could further protest Adam happily shoved them inside and closed the door as Averman continued to work on the console. This should be fun the staff thought as they fixed their sunglasses and their earplugs. Just when Averman relaxed into the small chair and pushed the button and a continuous burst of purange occurred every five seconds. 


	5. The Mary Sue Chant

Chapter 5: The Mary Sue Chant

Woo Woo Mary Sue Woo

We are Mary Sues with perfect hair

With Perfect eyes too

We are perky and give out hugs woo

We give to the poor and feed the hungry

We excel at everything we do

Every boy loves us

We disrupt cannon just for fun

We bypass laws of physics and science

We ignore reality and truth for we are perfect

Woo woo Mary Sue Woo

We are perfect

We are pretty

Who are we you ask?

Just call out and you will see

We are the Mary Sues

Queens and princess all alike

Mary sues we all are

Three cheers for the Mary Sues

The Mary Sue chant, kindly labeled so by the school's secretary, whom happened to be Linda, was kindly heard throughout the school's corridor. Meme had had enough and smacked them systematically with anything she could get her hands on. 

Q and Star, who walked the university hall in a trance - like state, seemed unfazed by Meme's violent tactics. Sometimes reprimanding her with things like violence never solves anything and peace is the answer or a verse of the 'I love you song'. Absgirl watched as Meme pulled a desk free from the floor and started charging towards Star and Q. She realized that Meme had hit her extreme limit and was spurred into action., only noticing because Meme had managed to pull the desk off the floor and was charging towards Q and Star whom were at the top of the stairs, did she take action. 

Absgirl was currently chasing after a highly irritated Meme when the Bash Brothers collided with her. "Must . . .stop . . .mad . . . Meme." She stammered through grasps of breath as she started to get up. 

"Whoa." Portman grabbed her by the shoulders as she winced. 

"Too tight." She whimpered as Portman smiled happily. "Oh right." She shook her head as he grabbed her. "Must stop Meme." 

"Why?" Fulton raised a brow mischievously. 

"Might kill Star and Q." 

"Killing on premises." Fulton snickered as he looked at Portman. "And we're not even into finals yet." 

"Must stop Meme." 

"Don't worry." Portman finally released her from his death grip. With this simple response the Bash Brothers left her standing there perplexed. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Q and Star were currently standing on the top level of the student dormitories. They were looking quite pensive Mary thought as she watched them from behind them. Maybe she should nudge them to make sure they were in a conscious state. Hannah, who was one of the few who hadn't listed a Mighty Duck lust object, was currently contemplating the girls' next move at the bottom with Sy who was taking bets on the matter. 

Q's rambunctious and comprehendible rambling had only spared them for a five minute break then came the idea of propagandizing the Mary sue chant into their minds. It was like the stupid song that never ended; it was going on forever and ever and ever in their brains. At the moment the only salvation they could come up was . . . No it was too horrid to even mention their final last desperate attempt to get it out of their brains. 

Averman and Ken had taken them in for studies for weeks after letting them out. But had found no other permanent damage other then the brainwashing. They had hoped maybe with the return to vigorous and painful daily life would beat it out of them but no such luck. Now the staff was left with a hefty problem that may be in dire need of outside help. Which would only lead to a mass production of paperwork and they weren't time oriented enough to give it the proper amount of time. They would have to wing this one out and only hope for the best. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

PJ had finished making a few phone calls here and there in search of the long needed answer to the Mary sue puzzle. But alas she had not come to the proper conclusion when Julie and Averman stormed into her office. 

"We have a situation in student dorms." Julie panted as she looked at PJ with concern. 

"What is it?" PJ let out a deep sigh as she tossed down her pen. "Which lust object club is it this time?" 

"No nothing like that." Averman huffed out as he looked at her. He looked almost serious about it and PJ then knew it wasn't a task to be handled lightly. When Averman was half serious about anything it meant trouble was just behind it. 

"Suicide situation at the stairs." Julie stated as she straightened up. 

"How many?" PJ said pushing herself up off the desk. 

"Two."

"Which ones?" 

"Star and Q." PJ nodded as she stormed out of the office assessing the situation at hand. She couldn't blame them if she were in their position she would endure the same sentiment. But really the school stairs? She snickered at this. Maybe the school roof, even the school pool, maybe hanging oneself from the basketball hoop. But no they chose the school stairs how original, how simple how Mary sueish. PJ groaned as it began to hit her, the Mary Sue's not had only ingrained their song into them but themselves. Could it be that they were turning into Sues themselves.

She pushed through the already accumulated mass of Duff students to assess the situation head on. She looked up the stairs to examine the girls. They seemed ordinary enough they seemed normal enough. Though the pensive state they were in, the blank stares ahead, the foaming mouth, the twitching bodies surely wasn't a good sign. Physically though they looked like themselves. They portrayed no physical attributes correlated to the Mary Sue syndrome. 

"Now girls." PJ slowly trotted up the stairs slowly as she watched them. "Lets not do anything hasty." Sy and Charisma were animatedly discussing the many outcomes of the situation.

"MARY SUE IN MY HEAD!" Q suddenly screamed clasping her hand over her ears. "STOOB! MUST ROCK STOOB!" 

"Supercallifragalisticexpeallidocious." Star suddenly mumbled trying to mutter anything besides the stupid Mary Sue chant. "Kill Sue! Must kill Sue!" 

"I love you . . .No Stoob! Stoob! MODNAR MODNAR SINEP STOOB! ONIBLA ONIBLA ONIBLA FOR THE SAKE OF BOB DOLE AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND GREAT IN THIS WORLD CALLED JELLOVILLE! I AM DAVE KARP, ALL HAIL MY JELLO QUEEN! Nasewaya! Babaheseababo! Hey hey ya! Oh na! Hey na! IF I WERE A STOOB AND YOU WERE I SINEP THEN I WOULD BE BOOTS AND YOUR MOM WOULD EAT A CANDY BAR! NO! YES! MAYBE! I will sit on a club of babysitters! ONIBLAR! Oniblar (n.): to onibla. Just thought I'd clear that up. With Claritin. For your sinuses. THAT'S MY CIGAR! YOU'LL STEAL ANUDDER. Baby born with to heads, must be from Brooklyn. HEY MARIO, I'M FLYIN'! BOOM BOOM, AKALAKALAKABOOM! BOOM BOOM, AKALAKABOOMBOOM! IT WAS A NIGHT LIKE THIS, FOURTYMILLION YEARS AGO, I LIT A CIGARETTE, PICKED UP A MONKEY SKULL TO GO... Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king! YOU'VE GOT TO GO DIG THOSE HOLES (with your sinep in a hole with macaulay culkin and krissy and the baby mitra and the sticky cabose). Sticky Caboose, Sticky Caboose, fuzzy little chubby bubby all stuffed with fluff. OH! Sticky Caboose, Sticky Caboose, stoob your little sinep with your mom. OMG IT'S BUG HALL AND RACETRACK HIGGINS! *swoon* *swoon* *noows* *onibla* OH MY BUG HALL!" Q suddenly began to chant repeatedly. 

"All right stand back." Meme screamed that with the towering desk lunged on her shoulders. "That's it." 

"No put the desk down Miss Meme." Ken pleaded as he looked at her. "Put it down nice and slow." 

"Sure." She moved over to Q and Star. "I'll let it down nice and slow on them."

"No." Guy cried waving his hands in the air. 

"I think it best we take drastic action." Charlie wiggled his brows suggestively as he tapped the stair railing. "Time to bring in the mini's." 

"I'm afraid so." PJ sighed dejectedly as she slowly progressed up the stairs. "Just let's not have a massacre." The boys gave her an odd look something like the Dinner look Charlie and Averman gave Russ. "I mean lets not dirty the carpet. It's quite new." Thus the cannon staff cackled loudly as they each went to collect their mass army of Mini – Ducks. 

The Mini–Ducks after dispersing the first floor crowd floor progressed to the top floor while Luis, Portman, Guy and Fulton took hostage of Q and Star whom had begun flinging random objects around the hall. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

"Thus why we do not create Mary Sues!" Adam repeated seriously. Belle sighed as she twirled her pen in her fingers. Adam looked so hot. Cecilia listened carefully as she wondered why this was being repeated in Slash 101 it never happens. They were in the middle of finding the breaking point of why everyone was adamant to why Charlie and Adam is such a hot commodity. 

"Yes and Slash does not happen." Charlie retorted as he sat on top of the desk hands crossed over his chests. "Platonic love, learn it, love it, live by it." 

"Exactly." 

"What's Platonic love?" Jillian, whom had scored extra points by removing the desk from Meme's hand using the force, asked curiously. 

"It's a love that is only based on friendship. A pure, spiritual affection, subsisting between persons of opposite sex, unmixed with carnal desires, and regarding the mind only and its excellencies; -- a species of love for which Plato was a warm advocate." Charlie explained as he stared at them. "As I said learn it, love it live by it." With that the bell rang and the class emptied the room.

A shout out to my great and wonderful beta. You know who you are and I responded to your email. Thanks a lot. 


	6. The Worksheet

Belle woke to the sound of something familiar, a sound she probably should recognize, but for the life of her couldn't remember due to either the lack of sleep or the massive pain shooting through her head. 

"Rise and shine." Fulton smiled as he blew the offending object in her ear. He seemed in a good mood today which meant pain, _lots_ of pain, for them. Belle groaned as she looked at half of the Bash Brothers duo. "It's going to be a fine day today." He smirked as he dragged her off the bed. "The early worm catches the bird." 

"You goof, it's the other way round." Meme snorted as she looked at him. Fulton shrugged and again blew into the whistle. Belle had a feeling Meme would soon regret calling one of their teachers a goof. 

"Get off your lazy asses and get up." Fulton said glaring at Meme. "You won't bash my spirits this morning. Come on what are you still doing in your beds? He snapped as the girls were slowly rising out of bed. 

"I expect you all out in the courtyard at two-fifty." He replied before leaving. "Don't be late." He grinned before slamming the door. Belle moaned as she looked at the clock. 

"But it's three in the morning." Bacon pointed out as she looked at the others. There was a second's pause before a mad frenzy raced towards the door. Fulton on the other side of the door snickered. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After a quick shower Belle found herself running through the halls of Eden Hall. Today had to be a good day, she said to herself. It had to be because she wanted it to be. Belle had peaceful dreams of herself and Adam so thus it had to be a good day. She had come up with a plan amidst all this dreaming of Adam. She knew how to get Adam, she would get Adam, and after all, she _always_ got what she wanted. 

She darted into the courtyard stopping shortly only to see what seemed to be a miniature of the school. She eyed the miniature with caution. She swore the thing snorted fire. Fire breathing and wings came as a standard here at DUFF.

"Good morning class." Luis Mendoza said as he clasped his hands behind his back with a smirk as he addressed the alumni. A few Luis lusters sighed as she just shook her head. 

"Morning Luis." They all retorted as one. Luis stopped to pet the miniature with a smirk.

"This is Eaton Hall." He announced looking at the small miniature. "It seems even the school spawns its own Mini-Ducks. Though it's not a duck at all." The students looked indifferent at the new discovery. Just as long it kept away from them. "Anyway." Luis waved his hand in the air. "This is Distinctions of Mary Sues." 

"We are going to snap some sense into you so-called writers and teach you how not to write Mary Sues." Larson said coming up from behind them. Some girls glared at the Hawk. He was the enemy they growled as he walked by them. "Now take these worksheets." 

Belle let out a sigh of relief as she looked at the hand out. She expected worse she mused as she plopped down on the grass to begin the assignment. It was going to be splendid day today. They had classes out in the shining sun and all they had to do was fill out a piece of paper. What could go wrong? She had regretted that thought the moment it ran through her small brain. It was going to get worse wasn't it?

"Take a seat on the ground." Guy instructed as he handed out books. "I believe you can begin, Luis." Guy nodded as he looked at the settled group. After a quick explanation of what was to be done, Belle found herself in the midst of the worksheet tapping the hardback book as she thought. 

"Well how many parts are there?" She whispered to Meme who was just as blank as her. "I don't see how someone could write something like this?" 

"It's a wannabe tough girl sue." Meme groaned as she read. "Do you think this is some evil ploy to kill us from boredom?" 

Belle studied the piece of paper as Luis cleared his throat as Guy blew the duck whistle. Belled wished he would choke on it. 

"I'll read the story out loud and then we'll discuss it and then we'll have our field study." Luis grinned as he grabbed his own worksheet. "I shall begin." So thus he began. 

**_ Part 1 ~ The New Girl_**

_ Adam was trying to focus on the foreign squiggles on the blackboard. Allegedly it was algebra, and it supposedly made sense, but his brain was fighting every step of the way._

_ His attention was caught by a door slamming open. His jaw dropped as a girl strode in. Nobody usually lacked the manners to just walk into a class without knocking. The girl continued her path to Mrs Madigan's desk, her hips swaying as she walked. She stopped beside Mrs Madigan and flung a piece of paper down in front of the stern teacher._

_ "Ah, the new student." Mrs Madigan commented, getting to her feet. "Welcome."_

_ By this point, all eyes were on the new student._

_ The girl rolled her eyes in a very bored fashion, apparently used to having people stare at her. Adam took in her features from head to toe. Raven black locks, framing a delicate ethereal face, with violet eyes that danced with anger, thick dark lashes and beautiful pouty lips. The creamy skin of her shoulders stood out against the soft velvet of her tank top, her neck adorned with a leather dog-collar. Skin-tight leather pants where slung low on her hips, revealing a flat expanse of a well-toned stomach, a jewelled ring adorning her belly-button. The only thing that marred her perfect skin were several bruises, and a thin, silvery scar running down her right forearm._

_ "Class, this is Angelique Shalimar Quistis Leia Cheyenne Guinevere Summerstorm." Mrs Madigan said, gesturing at the pretty girl beside her. "Let's all make Angelique very welcome here."_

_ "It's Razor." The girl snarled._

_ "I beg your pardon?" Mrs Madigan replied._

_ "My name is Razor." She repeated forcefully. Mrs Madigan opened her mouth – no doubt to protest that she couldn't possibly call a student by a street tag – but saw the determination in Razor's violet eyes, and shut it once more._

_ "Fine… class, this is Razor." Mrs Madigan amended. "Would you like to introduce yourself to the class?"_

_ Razor rolled her eyes. "No thanks." She snapped irritably, then sighed. "Oh fine. My name's Razor, my parents decided I had to come here. I'm going to be on the JV hockey team, I write, I love to sing and dance, I'll probably join the choir and I really like to paint. Some of my paintings have been sold at the local art shop."_

_ Adam was surprised. Orion hadn't mentioned that they were getting a new player. "You're joining the Ducks?" He asked aloud, without meaning to._

_ She favoured him with a smile that lit up her face, making her violet eyes glow. "Yeah. The court…" She coughed lightly then continued. "Um, people think I can use up my aggression while playing. I'm not bad, I should have been on Team USA, but there were… um, complications." She turned back to Mrs Madigan. "Can I sit down now?"_

_ Mrs Madigan gave her a go-ahead gesture. She took a seat beside a tall boy with dark hair and a leather jacket. "Hey," he said, smiling at her. "I'm Dean Portman, most people call me Portman."_

_ "Razor." She replied._

_ "Yeah, so I heard. So, you're a Duck now? I'm an enforcer on the team."_

_ "Yeah? Me too." She replied._

_ He stared at her._

_ "What?"_

_ "It's just that you're so slim." He replied. "Are you anorexic?"_

_ She smiled in return. "No, I'm not. And I'm stronger than I look, I have a black belt in karate. My mentor said I could have gone all the way." She realised that he was still staring at her. "What?" She asked again._

_ He blushed. "Oh nothing."_

_ Razor turned her attention to the blackboard, then raised her hand. "Mrs Madigan?" She said without bothering to wait to be called on. "Problem 3, the answer should be 27 – not 24 like you've written."_

_ The class started laughing and Mrs Madigan hastily double-checked her calculations, then rubbed out and re-wrote the answer, muttering something about a trick question._

Luis finished as most of the students that had been oggling instead of listening were currently trying to detach Lius, Louis and Eaton. His voice was purely angelic and sexy. She thought for a second as she looked at him. But Adam was much more hotter and his voice was deep and swoon worthy.

"Well what do you all find wrong with this?" Luis raised his brow in question as he looked at his class. 

"It's perfect." Bacon called as she looked at him. "Whoever wrote it is a genius."

"Is it legal to have that long a name?" Meme pondered loudly as she looked at the piece of work. "I think it's quite physically impossible to look that great and who cares anyway?" Meme retorted as she looked at Luis. "Well unless you're a shallow imbecile with the skills of a three year old."

  
"Can anyone here state more of the Sue qualities?" Larson interjected as he looked at them. 

"It is theoretically impossible for one person to handle all those activities so late in the year and excel." Dana replied looking up. "If we assume in the end that she well excel as all Sues seem to do." 

"No one can outsmart Mrs. Madigan anyway." Emily Johnson spoke as she looked at her peers. "Believe me, I should know." Belle snickered as she looked at Emily Johnson who had thought the Mary Sue Entrance was a grand idea but now it seemed that Mrs. Madigan wasn't the OOC everyone made her out to be. 

"What else?" Larson said as he looked at the students. Warson and Lars growled hungrily beside him. "You're getting there." 

"Shall we discuss the blatant ego boosting view point change?" Star piped up as she held the paper at arms length afraid the paper itself would bite her. "Or the ever repetitive eyes description that has no purpose." Belle watched her intently as her Just Say No to Mary Sue club shirt began to blink brightly purange. How she got it to do that she would never know. 

"Right and why do writers like you write such horrid things of no importance, Miss Banks?" Guy snickered at this as he pointed Belle out with a grin. She gulped this was going to be so bad. She hadn't a clue what to respond. It had been a pure distinguished piece to her. Belle was blind to the blatant hints of Mary Suedom that the others obviously had picked up on. She liked Razor and that was her doom. 

"Because we are losers, that we are and will never excel to the magnificence of the expectations of the Cannon writers." This being her first initial response she turned to Guy who looked to Luis who sneered then turned to Larson who snickered. Suddenly she felt like she was flying in air amidst a big bunch of nothing. She was not flying but falling, she realized. 

"Now on to the next lesson." Guy's voice mysteriously travelled into her ears with a laugh as she was falling. 

She kicked and cried as the black hole consumed her. She was doomed, she thought as she suddenly heard other cries. At least she wasn't alone. Belle hoped that maybe she would at least have a nice safe landing. Belle then realized here at DUFF nothing was nice. She recognized this as her butt slammed into the hard concrete below. She had no time to think of pain as the picture unfolded before her.


	7. Failproof plans, JellO Tennis and Mary S...

While the plan in theory seemed fail-proof , as plans in theory do they like being tricky that way, the Overpower of Irony descended upon them as they regrouped in the corridor. The girls slowly turned the corner of the hallway. The corridors showed no distinction to that of it's original creation. The girls whom had gathered previously in their dorms had contemplated a fail–proof get your lust object plan. They now found themselves in the east wing in search of the rumoured Staff Section. To their knowledge this was where the Duff faculty congregated for meetings, meals and housing. When they locate the target location they would find their respective lust objects and steal them or have at least a glomp or two. 

"What could possibly go wrong?" Belle muttered looking at her fellow accomplices and thus awoke the great Power of Irony to dawn upon them and answer that question as thoroughly as possible. 

"Do you see him?" Dana asked as she poked her head out from the makeshift pillow shield, in case any Mini–Ducks were lounging around, to check the hallway. 

"No." Belle sighed as she searched her designated side of the hall. "Wait, I hear something." This caused a hopeful gasp, as the girls scanned the corridor eagerly, trying to catch a glimpse of the object of their lust. Except, to their surprise, it was something rather improbable had they been in their own realm. But here in DUFF everything and anything was possible. Though at the moment students found themselves in an Alternate Universe, unknown to them at present, but looked much like the DUFF environment. 

Ignorant of said truth, the alumni that was gathered had formed a foolproof plan to capture said love objects, being that at the present there was a shortage of Mini–Ducks or so it seemed. Currently the students were holding their breaths for an appearance of their one true loves. But what they got was something rather not lovable at all. 

"Hello, who are you?" The sweet voice chimed merrily as it peeked over the pillow shield. "Oh new friends." She cried cheerily clapping her hands. Even though Razor herself knew these were not Important People, no they were too shabby to be amongst the Important People, she had to associate with the low people as well. 

"AHHHHH!" Star screamed as she looked at sickly-sweet face looking back at her. Her shirt going ballistic as the Mary Sue approached with her overly sickening sweet smile. 

"MARY SUE! Onibla! Onibla! Onibla! Shoo Mary Sue don't bother me! Shoo Mary Sue don't bother me!" Q screamed as she slapped her hands over her ears and shut her eyes and screamed. Razor was taken a back at such madness and began to sniffle, thus was their doom. 

Razor would lure them in. After all, no-one could ignore a crying Mary Sue. No one not even the Low People like them. She would lead them into the plot hole. She would lead them astray and trap them. For she was the Smart Mary Sue unlike her cousin Gloey who failed at such missions. 

"Aww look she's going to cry." Belle said as a single tear fell from Razor's overly perfect face. "We scared her." 

"We _scared _ her?" Star said as she tugged on Belle's shirt to bring her back to safety. "More like she scared the shit out of us." 

"I just wanted to be friends?" Razor sniffed as she rubbed her pathetically perfect non-mascara-ruined eyes. "That was all." 

"You see, she's harmless." Belle said as the others were not too satisfied with the response. Something deep inside them this was wrong. It had all been wrong from the start. It had been to easy to find their location and the sudden disappearance of Minis was all too odd. But things at DUFF were always odd. 

"No, she's evil." Q muttered as she held on to Meme for dear life. Belle was too easily lured, being the sucker for crying. Being such a wuss she hated to see people cry. 

"We must kick Sue Ass." Star sneered from behind the shield as she looked at Belle. "She will destroy us." 

"But look at her, so helpless." Belle muttered, confused as she looked towards her alumni and the Mary Sue. She should side with her friends but . . . look at her so miserable for some unknown reason. Belle was truly a sucker for tears. She followed the Mary Sue aka Razor into the dark corner of the room.

"Oh no." Dana whispered as she looked at her wall. 

"She's a goner." Meme said as she closed her eyes. 

"We got to save her." Q said jumping up ready to play heroine to her fallen comrade. She was going to save the day or her alias was not Quail Girl. Adjusting her belt on her head and with a huff she was off with the others close – but not too close – on her tail. "Quail Girl to the rescue!" She hollered as she jumped on Razor. 

"Die Mary Sue! Die Mary Sue!" Both Dana and Star were screaming, had this been in another time they would have armed themselves with torches and axes, but alas this was the 21st century and they were armed with pillows and their worksheet rolled up as a make shift bat.

But it was in vain, for they all fell in the black hole that had been waiting for them in the corner. The trap had been set, the bait taken and Razor laughed at them evilly as she watched them descend into the unknown. All seven of them, Sy being a silent member in the group. Belle felt a sense of deja vu as she fell. Yet again they were falling, falling into doom. But wait! Suddenly she was not falling but being eaten or something of the sort by something remarkably familiar. 

"What is this?" Sy asked as they were slowly descending through the purange rubber like substance. Then they were suddenly thrusted up into the air. They were being tossed around like tennis balls, as above them another glob had appeared and thought it quite fun to toss them around. The blob's hands forming into large tennis rackets as they had approached. Dana had quite a nasty fall and took a good feeding of said glob into her mouth.

"It's Jell-O." Belle heard her remark as she was being tossed around. Belle only groaned as her head made contact with the blue Jell-O above them. 

"Great. Where's Goldberg when you need him?" Q muttered as she fell into the purange Jell-O having missed the racket she found herself sinking deeper into the Jell–O . As Q figured there had to be a way out of it. After all every Jell-O cube had it's ending right? She pondered this as she struggled through the cube. Geometrically everything had a beginning and an ending. So thus she descended deeper into the cube until she fell out from the bottom. "I found a way out!" She yelled as she was flying yet again down the diagonal hall. 

"I feel like a yo-yo." Belle groaned as she held her stomach. "I'm going to barf." 

"Not on me. I just bathed Wednesday." Meme muttered with a grin as she looked rather comfortable being tossed around. Soon though, each one of them found themselves in the same path as Q. Falling through the purange Jell-O into their escape or so they hoped. Having left behind the competing Jell-O behind they were rather relieved that was until they fell into what looked like a farm. 

"That wasn't so bad." Belle said as she started to prick at her sticky layer. 

"Shut up." Groaned Dana as she looked at the rabid chicken herd heading their way. 

"This could be worse." Meme sighed as she was heading for the water bucket for the horses. "I mean we could get ambushed by rabid chickens." She chuckled as she turned on the water faucet. 

"We _are_ about to get attacked by rabid chickens." Dana screamed as the cluster got closer. They stood there shocked as the clucking mass of feathers were headed their way. 

"Please no . . . please no . . . .please no." Sy kept muttering under her breath as she was paralyzed to her spot. Her worst nightmare was coming true. Flying Jell-O and Chicken farms. Belle tried her best to calm her as they waited for the worst. This day couldn't get any worse could it? She muttered as the clucking herd passed through them. Some pecked and scratched at them as feathers were being attached to them like paper with glue on it. 

"HELP ME!" Star screamed loudly as Belle was fighting off chickens left and right. Swinging madly at them in her fury. She was so stupid to have believed in the Mary Sue. So stupid to have let her guard down. This was her own fault. With this she banged and swatted at the chickens that only seemed to reproduce with every aggravation. If she did not know better, they were the chickens from the Link Saga. You know the stupid chickens that reproduce and kill you when you hit them over and over again. Then she gulped, death came quickly. The darkness surrounded her as all she could hear were the clucking of the chickens and the distant cries of her comrades. She was dead. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Here they come." Luis snickered as he watched the monitor. "It was all too easy." 

"I think that was a bit harsh." Ken said as he winced in pain. 

"All in the name of education, my dear Ken." Adam giggled as he patted Ken on the shoulder. "All in the name of education." 

"I guess you're right." 

"I'm always right." Adam replied hotly as the black hole appeared before them.

"It is a safe ride home?" PJ asked grinning widely at her fellow faculty members. 

"A few bumps and sharp turns but it's alright." Guy informed as he watched the monitor. 

"They can't bring anything potentially harmful back could they?" Dwayne suddenly asked as he looked outside the window. 

"No I don't think so." Averman said as he taped on the keys. "I mean nothing physical unless it's attached to their bodies. Remember we safety proofed the system and had a virus detector inserted. That laser scan is going to be brutal on them." He snickered with a smile as he tapped some more. "Ahh but as Adam says all in the name of education." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home." Belle moaned as she grabbed her throbbing head. She was surely dead by now. Gone off to who knows where without even a kiss from Adam. Things definitely were not going her way. There shouldn't be so much pain after death should there? Had death even turned against her and now chose to torture her as well? She groaned as the pain shot through her legs. Had she been so bad in her previous life to deserve such pain? She pondered as she heard voices calling to her. Death was nothing like she imagined. 

"Come on." A hand shook her a bit roughly. "Get up." Her eyes opened and the vision before her was heavenly. She must be in Heaven as Adam Banks hovered over her. She would get her kiss after all even if it was in the after life. She moved closer with her lips ready to make contact when something nibbled no rather bite hard on her foot. 

"OWWWW!" She cried in pain as she startled to her feet kicking of the Mini–Duck. Coming to the realization she was not dead at all she growled at Abam. Which only made him growl louder and bite harder. "Get it off." She said as she waved her arms. Then it came back to her. The Tennis playing Jell-O, the rabid attacking chickens. 

"And what have we learned today?" Luis smiled ever so hotly at her. 

"Don't trust a Mary Sue."


	8. This one time at Grammer Camp

"It's terrible I say." Jake mumbled as they walked down to the courtyard.

"It's wonderful." Canadianhockeygirl whooped with a jump as they came to the doors.

"Terrible. Awful. Horrendous. A nightmare, if you ask me." Kaila muttered with a shake of her head.

Rick, Cole and Coach Wilson snorted happily as the gloomy students walked behind them.

"But Averman and Goldberg are teaching." Bacon squeed and suddenly she felt teeth clenching on her leg. It was well known Mini–Ducks hated squeeing just as much as the lusted Ducks that caused the squeeing.

"It's going to be a piece of cake." Bunny said with a smile and a laugh. "Classes with those two are like automatic A's."

PJ was not pleased at this. Classes were not to be taken lightly. Classes were never easy as the alphabet, at least not at DUFF.

"Not to worry PJ." Averman came up behind her with a smile. "We've got some tricks up our sleeve." He reassured her with an evil grin.

"You just sit and enjoy all the fun . . . I mean all the pain." Goldberg snickered.

"It's always best to hit them when they're not expecting it." Averman remarked as they made their way to the center. Today was their first taste of grammar camp. The oblivious students took it to be another field day, which would probably mean plenty of pain and not much fun. But this was Goldberg and Averman's session and that meant, at least, _some_ fun.

"It'll be a cinch." Belle only became interested in her breakfast on the go as she replied. Then taking a bite of her strawberry jam bread she walked on.

"I heard grammar camp was a nightmare." Emily Johnson said with a twitch as she stood in the grass field area. It was very good strawberry jam, the best if you asked her.

The whole school was going to be out today. This was a rare and unique event. Grammar camp was only going to be held once or twice per semester, as the students were informed in the handbook – had they read it – and it was quite a feast day, for the teachers that is.

"Before you know it there will be the typical cliché '_this one time, at grammar camp…_' jokes." Chelsea King whispered to Mya, as Belle only licked strawberry off her finger tips without a care to the world.

"This should be a good spot." PJ said as she settled into the lawn chair in the courtyard. "You get the perfect view of the action minus all the bloodshed. Perfect don't you agree Lamson?" The Mini-Duck settled into her lap and sighed contentedly like a puppy dog.

To Belle, classes with Averman and Goldberg usually consisted of lazy days and no homework. No actual work was done in class. The class lazily discussed matters of nonsense and were usually the most painless, considering their other subjects. Of course, the reason may be that Averman and Goldberg were not the top lust objects at DUFF. There would be the occasional luster here and there but nothing as severe as the Luis Massacre in 'How to be a proper skater' class last Tuesday.

Belle watched Chee and Terra with mild interest as they were both going to spring on their lust objects, Charlie and Connie respectively, but were greeted instead with Mini droppings on their shoes, along with a nasty bite.

It appeared the whole staff had come out to enjoy the spectacle with happy faces. Happy teachers, at least here in DUFF, usually meant injured students. Belle only groaned as she rubbed her butt unconsciously, she was barely recovering from her last adventure and she still had about a third of the feathers to wash off.

"It's hot." Kaila muttered as she fanned herself with her hand. Coach Wilson smiled at them as they had all finally settled and blew his whistle. Thus began the students first taste of grammar camp and it wasn't very pretty.

"Say it again." Averman hollered as he looked at Belle. Belle winced as Fulton put his full weight upon her body.

"Y O U R means you are." She repeated as Fulton compressed her so hard that she fell to the ground and she got a mouthful of dirt.

"Try it again." Goldberg shouted in her ear as he blew the whistle in her ear. Belle only groaned, as she wondered who really cared about the importance of proper grammar. It was _fan fiction_ for crying out loud, not some piece for the New York Times. She really thought they were over reacting over such a small insignificant topic.

"I can't hear you!" Averman screamed in her other ear as she felt a Mini snapping at her toes and fingers.

"Y O U R means belonging to." She replied hastily as Fulton removed his new metal boots from her back.

"We can do this all day." Goldberg snickered as he watched the Varsity team and the Bash Brothers hovering over the students. Grammar push up's was just the beginning of his ingenious teaching tactics.

"Your, Y O U R, means belonging to." Averman screamed through the bull horn. "Example: Isn't that your hockey stick, Fulton?"

"As opposed to you're as in you are, yes it's a contraction people learn it, live by it and for pete's sake use it. YOU'RE, note the apostrophe novices." Goldberg followed with a grin. "Example: you're my cuddle bunny, Portman." He said with mock love eyes towards Portman whom only growled and gave him the finger. "Love you too."

"Understood?" The students only groaned in response. "Now moving on lets tackle the there, their, and they are problem." He smiled as he motioned his hand down giving them the okay to add a bit more weight upon the students. "They're, yes another contraction, get used to it, is they are." Students only groaned as they listened. Belle was already feeling the bruise in the making as Fulton stood over her like a prize winning catch. "Example: They're getting married next Tuesday."

"There, T H E R E, meaning a place." Charlie continued with a smirk. "Example: isn't that Luis over there, snogging Averman?" Luis and Averman both glared at Charlie as Charlie ignored them. It was not condoned to use or write Slash in the fandom but that didn't mean the teachers could not use it against each other It was just too hard to pass up.

"Last but not least there is Their, T H E I R, means belonging to them." Adam continued with a roll of his eyes at his peers. "Example: I've been to their dorm, it's small."

Belle gasped for air as the pressure on her back was removed. It was good to breathe again, she realized, then began an exhausting coughing fit. That was it, she thought with a grin. That was nothing, the little voice in her head cried hotly. There couldn't possibly anything worse, it had said, but alas her little voice in her head was wrong. There was a whole list of things that were worse then grammar push ups.

Belle couldn't decide which had been worse the sling shot Capital Letter Game or the Yo – yo –yoing for spelling. Everything in her body ached. Parts she didn't even know existed throbbed and burned in pain. But at least she had sneaked out of the Mini–Duck mud ball tournament and had ducked into the abandoned school. The plan was she'd probably make it to her dorm room unnoticed, seeing as the staff was having so much fun with the students – no their _victims_ – they wouldn't miss her.

She rubbed the back of her neck as she dragged on into the school. She winced in pain as her legs throbbed and ached. Her hair was disheveled as she fell upon the stairs to the dorms. Something felt off about the school. She sniffed the air, was that roses and strawberries? A confused look came upon her face as she felt the air about her. It seemed almost a giddy happy place. This was not right. DUFF facilities were usually cold and dark never happy and giddy; well unless the students were thoroughly being taught.

She looked about her as tunes of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey, yes it was Mariah Carey, filled her ears. "Odd." She muttered as she grasped on to the stair railing to help her to her feet. Belle heard the door slam and she slowly slipped behind the 'Mary Sue statue' to hide. It seems she wasn't the only one to slip away, there was Chee, one of the two wizard's attending DUFF – though they held no powers at all in accordance to the Rules of Species provided by OFUM – and Cecilia and Jillian the Jedi.

"Psst." Belle whispered as she looked at them. "Psst."

"Who goes there?" Jillian spoke as she looked about the empty hall. "Show yourself."

Belle came out from behind the statue and exposed herself and the three sighed as they plopped down onto the floor. "It is I." She said as she looked at the trio. "There is something odd going about."

"Odd? Odd?" Jillian laughed as she threw her head back. Long had it been known that there was nothing ever odd in DUFF. Everything and anything was expected.

"Everything about this place is odd." Cecilia chuckled as she rubbed her bare feet.

"No, I mean really odd." The suddenly there was loud shrieking heard through out the halls. The four girls clasped their ears tightly. "Make it stop." She wailed as her ears throbbed.

"You think this is our punishment for sneaking out?" Chee questioned as the screeching only got louder.

"Make it stop." Belle wailed as she curled into a ball. The loud shrieking then turned to some kind of off tune singing. The mixed tunes of Britney, Jessica and Mariah filled the empty halls of the facility.

"Something is going on." Cecilia said as she looked at them startled. "Something bad has happened."

"They sound like those wretched Mary Sues!" Chee wailed as they all clasped tighter to their ears. Jillian was clutching so tightly she had started bleeding at the tip of her ear.

"I am Razor!" Suddenly a single singing voice broke out. "I am Razor the queen! I will not be ignored! I am Razor the queen that will rein this school." The girl came skipping into the hall singing awfully. Belle rose to her feet with the others. There was a sparkle in her eye as she looked about them. "Oh hello friend." Razor said as she smiled happily and bounced around. "Nice to see you again."

Belle was shocked as she looked at the Mary Sue. Averman had said that it had all been a vision; it was all some holographic image. But here she was in the flesh, shaking her hand. She felt real, as real as a student feels in DUFF. How could this have come about? It had all been some AU universe not something real.

"Won't you be my friend?" She asked in her sickly sweet voice. "I just want to be friends." Belle wanted to punch her square in the face instead as she took back her hand. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

"No." Belle spat as she looked at her. "You aren't real."

"But I am." She clapped happily as her eyes lit up brightly. "I am ever so real Belle."

"No Averman said you weren't."

"But I found a way to come to the real world! I have saved all my sisters and brothers!" She squealed as she beamed proudly. "I saved them all!"

"But you're a Mary Sue and that would mean . . ." Belle suddenly felt ill to the stomach as she realized what had happened.

"I released them all from that dirty old globe! I set them all free, them all on my lonesome because no one would help me! I go and ask nice students for help and they turn me away! They are so mean! You should have seen the things they did and heard what they told me! They called me prissy and UN-perfect! I am perfect! But I didn't need them after all"

"We are screwed." It was the only thing Belle could muster as the songs of Britney taunted her into despair.


End file.
